Last Updated  01/03/2011

And It Was In Our Backyard

 

It was branded the “Wedding of the century” and it was here, in our backyard. This summer, the last weekend of July, Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky were married with a Ketubah, Marc wearing a Kipah, under a Chupah and it was on River Road in Rhinebeck… a few miles from my home.

I received calls from friends abroad and colleagues throughout the United States “wondering” if I would be officiating at the wedding. I’ll admit to you, I wasn’t asked to preside over their wedding. But I am proud to say that several members of our Congregation were involved. Maureen Missner and her business partner Serene were “highlighted in the New York Times” as their store, Paper Trail, was engaged by the family to supply the “gift bags” for the “out of town guests”. Also, our Michelle Entner, (who happens to be the co-chair of our Education committee) was interviewed by ABC as to her “local” perspective on the Clinton/Mezvinsky nuptials.

In 2005 I wrote my Rosh Hashanah Sermon on Interfaith Weddings. This sermon can still be accessed in the archives of our Temple Website. Five years later Mark & Chelsea’s marriage once again engaged me in intensive reflection concerning my individual spiritual journey, my rabbinic role, my Jewish responsibilities and my standards and convictions as a Jew.

As the momentous Sabbath day unfolded, a perfect Hudson Valley Summer afternoon, and after much here say and conjecture that I must admit I was not immune to, the press began to disseminate the news that Reform Rabbi James Ponet, Jewish chaplain of Yale University would be co-officiating with a Methodist minister. I heard through the Jewish grapevine that during the year Chelsea & Marc had studied Talmud. It was rumored that Marc & Chelsea had, on one or more occasions, attended services at JTS. Their connection to JTS was cultivated through their friendship with Stamford classmate Arnold Eisen, current Chancellor of the Conservative Rabbinical Seminary. But prior to the day of the wedding, I had not heard anything about their connection with the Jewish chaplain at Yale.

Rabbi Ponet took some heavy Jewish beatings on the hours and days following the wedding. Criticism included his officiating at a wedding on the Sabbath, incorporating a legally binding contract, a Ketubah- on the day of rest, officiating at a marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew and co-officiating with a non-Jewish clergy person. The intellectual Jewish question was; could this even be considered a Jewish wedding?

In the Conservative movement Rabbis are prohibited from officiating at, participating in or attending a marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew. In the Reform Movement Rabbis are barred from co-officiating with non-Jewish clergy and conducting a wedding on the Sabbath.

Yet the Talmud counsels deference and respect for those who hold power in our government. Talmudic teaching suggests that there is a precedent which enjoins one to show “special deference to a king or head of state.”

Rabbi Ponet broke the rules of the Central Conference of American Rabbis but perhaps he was sensitive to the Talmudic spirit. I am proud of Rabbi Ponet. I think that he provided a vital presence for Marc and the Mezvinsky family, and may also have furthered the political standing and public face of the Jewish people throughout the world and maybe providing a path to go beyond the symbols. A Jew married the daughter of former President Bill Clinton and present Secretary of the State. The media pontificated: Bill & Hillary, parents of the bride, were hoisted up on chairs, as guests danced the Hora. The Hora doesn’t a Jewish wedding make. Still, a powerful image for me as I remember specific neighborhoods in my hometown of Armonk, New York, where my family couldn’t buy a house because Jews were not welcome. Many individuals in this Congregation share these memories, the neighborhoods, country clubs and colleges that banned our association or membership. Today, it is both baffling and a source of pride, that Marc Mezvinsky, a Jew, is the son-in-law of Hillary and Bill Clinton.

Marriage between two people is undoubtedly one of the most personal and pivotal moments of our lives. It is a celebration of love, and when we are in love, we want and deserve the embrace, joy, support and happiness of our family, friends and no less, our Rabbi. But marriage is so much more than a celebration of just two people’s love. From a Jewish perspective, marriage is about the creation of another Household of Israel. Marriage is the most basic determination of what our relationships and future will be. In a world in which all politics is local, it is the ultimate in local politics.

The press went to town with pictures of Marc Mezvinsky wearing a tallit at his wedding, not traditional wedding garb but certainly a bold statement as to his Jewish identity. We understand that the ceremony concluded with Marc’s breaking the glass. Again we know, neither the hora, a tallit nor the glass, in and of themselves constitute a Jewish union.

But as I look around our Congregation, it would be difficult to identify a single family that has not already or will not in the conceivable future, be integrating the realities of intermarriage in their own households and lives.

Statistically, two out of every three Jews who marry will intermarry. One million or 54% of all American Jewish children under the age of 18 are being raised as non-Jews or with no religion. Today of the approximately 6 million Jews in the United States, about 2 out of 3, neither identify themselves Jewishly nor maintain an affiliation with a synagogue. Jewish identify is declining sharply, intermarriage rates are increasing dramatically, children are being raised without a Jewish identity as a core value.

For most Jewishly identified families, Jewish education comes after all of our other priorities. In most American Jewish households, tangible “ongoing” Jewish practices: lighting Sabbath candles, attending weekly services, giving tzedakah are illusive practices at best or entirely absent as regular, ongoing, daily Jewish activities or observances.

As tangible Jewish practice breaks down and commitment to Jewish community becomes increasingly peripheral to American priorities and lifestyles, there is a question as to whether Jewish identity and community will exist in two or three generations from now.

So, what does Marc and Chelsea’s wedding tell us about ourselves?

So much more relevant than the details of a wedding is the question, what happens before and most importantly, what will happen after the wedding. A wedding, whether between a Jew and a non-Jew or two Jews, will become a Jewish event if and when the couple’s home and their lives are bound up with living Jewishly. A Jewish marriage is so much more than pertaining to the wedding ceremony; a Jewish marriage is predicated on the obligation, commitment and devotion to creating a life that prioritizes the rhythms, practices and values of Judaism each and every day, week, month and year of one’s life.

What does Marc and Chelsea’s wedding tell us about ourselves? It reminds us that we can’t support our children to “have a Bar- or Bat-Mitzvah” rather we need to guide them to become a Bar- or Bat-Mitzvah. It means that Jewish learning has to be a way of life and a commitment, not a graduation away from community. It means that the Jewish Holidays are not the time that we come reluctantly or out of obligation, show up to services relieved to know that we don’t need to return for another year, but rather the opportunity to figure out how we challenge and commit ourselves to weaving real Jewish practice into our lives tomorrow, next week and next month.

Weddings are the celebration of the building of a foundation for relationships and values that will thrive, be protected, nurtured and endure. Jewish weddings are a transformative moment where we identify what is most important to us and then move forward weaving these values into our daily lives.

Days before Chelsea and Marc were married, Gail Collins wrote an Op Ed piece in the New York Times entitled The Kids are All Right. She spoke about the ways that president's daughters, Amy Carter, Barbara and Jenna Bush and Chelsea Clinton have shaped their lives with altruism, integrity and meaning. She reminds Bristol Palin that it isn’t enough to be famous; it is a question of what you will do with that fame.

Marc wore a Kipah, wrote a Ketubah with Chelsea and together they stood under a Chupah as they bound their lives together. What does Chelsea and Marc’s wedding tell us about ourselves? Symbols cannot remain symbolic; they must become ritual and practice, in order to have real meaning. Perhaps that Chupah, symbolic of the home that they are creating together, will inspire them to settle in the Hudson Valley. And when they do, I am hoping that they will choose to study Talmud, attend services and raise their children here in our Temple Community.

Ultimately, it isn’t the wedding, the Bar-Mitzvah or the High Holidays that matter; ultimately, it will be how their and our daily practices and priorities shape who we are that will determine what will become of us.

-Rabbi Yael Romer